Long Term Desire


In LOVE we feel the closeness, the belonging. We want to feel that it’s safe to give ourselves and to be loved unconditionally. We want to be physically close, as in no distance between us. We want to know the other, to be familiar and to feel the warmth of that. We want to feel comforted by their physical nearness. But in DESIRE, we want something else – something unpredictable and exciting. There might be love. There might be commitment. There might be a solid friendship at its core. But that doesn’t mean there will be Desire in a long-term relationship.  Psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel explores the question, how do Love and Desire relate? She says:

“Love is to have, but Desire is to want”.


We want our spouse/partner to be everything . . . “to love us unconditionally, to be faithful, to care for and comfort us, share responsibilities with us, to give us equality, to help form our identity. But we also want, and expect, this person to surprise us, keep us on our toes, provide mystery and edge. She explains that we have two fundamental but competing needs, our need for “security, predictability, safety, dependability” and our need for “adventure, novelty, risk, for danger, for the unknown, for the unexpected.”

The fading of desire happens slowly. It comes with financial woes, work stress, house cleaning, busy-ness, familiarity, predictability and just trying to make it through the day. Above all else, it comes with the assumption of responsibility for the needs of our partner over our own. So many of us will agree that Infidelity plays a large part in the disappearance of Desire in our relationships. Forgiveness is the key in coming to terms with deceit & lie, which makes Infidelity a tough nut to crack. Intimacy might fade, the connection might loosen and sex just doesn’t happen any more.  In long-term relationships, we often expect our beloved to be both best friend and erotic partner. So how do you sustain desire?  Ms. Perel talks about it all in a YouTube Video.

You should watch Esther Perel >> HERE.

Intimate relationships in which desire has faded can quickly turn into a “roomate” relationship. There can still be love and a deep emotional bond and there might even still be sex, but without DESIRE the way we see ourselves and feel about ourselves changes. Understanding the nature of desire is key to getting it back.

You can’t build a Fire without kindling, and if you do not put more wood it will eventually die out. In couples this is probably even more important than giving space.  Each of us are wonderful, magical and a quiet Fire & that’s how we attracted our partners. So, try your best to Feed that Fire. . .

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